it is really annoying how i feel so intensely for people in a way that they will never reciprocate. i hate that i’m always after such deep bonds, for once i would just like to have something for a split second and forget about it. i sort of did that, it was an exercise, spurred while sitting in stacey’s kitchen and smoking grape cigarillos and being told that i need to meet people. so, already drunk we walked over to the bar and within minutes were invited to a table of young men who seemed to think we were interesting enough. one coaxed me into the photo booth to take pictures and i remember each frame we would switch sides, and all the pictures came out terrible. i carried the strip around with me for a few days afterwards, at first a hilarious reminder of a drunken encounter most young people have in a city, then they became this thing. i had to decide if i would keep it, to be stored in my box of postcards and polaroids and mementos, or to dispose of it somehow. i vacillated back and forth, well maybe i might want to be reminded of this when i am older. or: i will never see this person again, and i am not interested to. ultimately the latter seemed to be the most reasonable, and i decided to throw it away. except i cut it up, into little pieces, like tiny snipped ashes they went, into my office trash bin.
i am often admonished for not giving people chances- well, under the umbrella of ‘you’re mean,’ under which that is intimated. but i can just feel when a person is worth my time, and there is no room for indifference with me. i have gotten really good at acting aloof because underneath it i feel so much love for certain people so acutely, so much that i spend hours of my week just missing people, going through my mental list of things i find endearing about the people i love, cursing separation and the space between us. three weeks ago i flew down to florida for the weekend, and in the weeks leading up to it i would groan to friends about having to go to florida, ugh, isn’t it full of old people and the hogans?, full of disdain the way people who live in an area where for over half the year it is almost unbearable to even be outside have to be. while driving on I-95 with the windows down and perfect evening air whipping through the car, i was asked what i thought of florida, and i had to reply, i guess it is not so bad, and that any place can be great when your friends are there, which is of course a trite sentiment. florida, germany, new zealand, california, texas, i want to bring them all to me right now. if only adoration could buy plane tickets.
Tags: florida, friends, i am such an earnest idiot
